I really thought I was going to live the rest of my life the way it was planned. I never really saw it coming. Oh, I knew it was there. I could feel it. I could sense it. But I thought I could control it. I thought I could put on my rose-colored glasses and see the best in the situation and that, somehow, doing that would make it ok. I never really thought it would end or at least end like this.
I got bored writing this blog that I had dabbled with for a few years. I felt like I had nothing left to say, nothing left to contribute. Taking pictures of my home in various decorating stages wasn't me. I enjoyed looking at everyone else's but that wasn't what I wanted from this blog yet didn't know what it was I did want. Sharing recipes was fine sometimes but it wasn't what I really wanted from this. It was sort of a metaphor for my life. I knew what I had wasn't what I wanted but I was content to live with how things were because I didn't have the courage to change them myself. And it wasn't unbearable. I mean, by many accounts, it was quite blessed. Two healthy, amazing daughters, a beautiful home and family nearby and I got to be a homemaker. We live in the small town I grew up in. He worked hard for a living and was a good provider. But something major was missing.
I gave away me in this process of becoming 'us'. He wanted me to. I assumed his identity as I faded into the background. He was no more at fault of me allowing this than I was. There were many other, more personal issues that led to where I find myself today but what I choose to share with you is this new journey I am on of self-discovery. He has been gone one month. I begged him to stay. Cried for him to stay. Begged God to make him stay. But he was set on leaving.
And now. Now I must know why. What was my part in all of this? Who am I exactly? Who am I as an adult? As a mom in charge of her home? I identify (like a lot of women probably do) with characters in movies and music. When he first left I couldn't get the Sandra Bullock movie Hope Floats out of my head. No, he didn't cheat on me. But I was once a small town beauty queen who was once audacious and "something". I now live in the small town I was all of those things in. I am starting over in the same town that knew and loved me and my popular husband. I do wonder how, on God's green earth, am I supposed to make something of myself here. But, praise God, my Mama doesn't stuff road kill! And I'm just waiting for my Harry Connick Jr.
I've been changing silly things around our home that were "him". I got a new ATM card because the last one I had had military stuff all over it (he retired after 20 years in the USMC). I removed the plaque that he had put up on a corner of the outside of the house. I've got new license plates coming to replace my current purple heart plates on my car. My garage walls have never looked so bare as I removed all of his military and movie posters. Some parts of the inside of the house are bare as I removed all of the military stuff for him to take. I have nothing to put in its' place. No girly, woman-stuff posters to put up in the garage, no "I'm a Christian and a Mom" license plate to put on my car. I wouldn't even know what stuff says "me".
Just like in the movie Runaway Bride I don't know what I like, who I am. How I like my eggs. What are my dreams, aspirations and desires? No clue. But I'm going to find out. I'm on a self-discovery voyage. I will find out as I walk upright with the Lord. I loved being married, being part of a partnership. I will want that again. But before I do I need to find me and not give her away again in pursuit of the us.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
My cup runneth over and many blessings we share
the love of a family and many friends who do care.
The food on this table, the love in this home
bring back many hearts from wherever they roam.
The soldiers, Marines and others overseas
working hard on this day protecting our peace.
A nation founded on God and knowledge of His provision
and knowing this foundation never needs revision.
Freedom to worship the God in whom we do love
Giving us this country straight from above.
So let's stop to remember all that we have
and honor those who have paved the path.
Never forget why we gather today together
to be grateful to God not on just one day but forever.
Blessings to you and yours for a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A sick three year old has been attached to me this week. A sick three year old with very curly hair. When she sits on my lap while I'm on the computer her hair is sticking straight up and it tickles my nose. Just thought you should know. Hope your week is going better! Mindi
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thank you to all of you hard -working and retired veterans who bravely protected and are protecting our country in peacetimes and wartimes.
These two photos are a few Marines taking a test my husband was giving them.
To all Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps and Coast Guard members we thank you for your service and protection. And to your families, a big thank you for the sacrifices you have made and are making. Happy Veteran's Day
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sometimes on this blog I feel like telling you about our recent family activities, a funny anecdote or story or the latest thing I've done with the house. But I always feel like telling you about the latest and greatest things I've found online. Whether it be Pinterest or a blog I just found or a magazine I just discovered I feel it is one of my "jobs" to share with you the things the Lord has shared with me. "What?" you may ask. "How is God sharing things with her"? Well I'm glad you asked, let me tell you.
As a believer in Jesus Christ and acceptor of His death on the cross as payment for my sins, I follow Him in every aspect of my life. I don't always do a good job of 'following'. But I do believe that He speaks to me through many venues. He may do this by bringing someone into my life, having someone share a thought, word or hug at just the right time, allowing a difficulty to help me further turn to Him in times of need, and by daily leading me to things of Him. I am happy to report that He has done that for me this morning. Allow me to elaborate...
Yesterday my mom and Grandma and I had to visit my cousin in the hospital on life support suffering with pneumonia. She is only thirty-one. We had a difficult evening of visiting, crying and trying to comfort her distraught family. I came home devastated and upset, heading to bed. I did not sleep well, thinking of her and tossing and turning and remembering how she looked in the bed, struggling to remain coherent. I woke this morning with my eyes puffy, breakfast to be made, lunches to be made, children to be dressed and readied for their school days. I had a moment between schools to sit here and pray and then check some emails for my cousin's latest progress. I clicked on one of the familiar blogs I follow to try and get my mind on something else and found a few new reasons for joy. Please check out Time Warp Wife and Praise and Coffee online magazine. They are both uplifting, joy filled sites that have given me hope and joy for this new day. Blessings for your new day, Mindi
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." in red, NIV
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Hi everyone! Go check out Yvonne at Stone Gable today! She is hosting an amazing giveaway by French Basketeer. A gorgeous orange basket (could be used for anything, even like a purse!) is filled with wonderful goodies and Yvonne added one of her own velvet pumpkins to the giveaway... "swoon". Just click on the above link for Stone Gable and Yvonne will tell you the rest! Blessings for a great day!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Are you ready for Christmas? I know, I know, 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and I'm asking you that? Some of my blogging friends are in full Christmas swing already! Liz over at Savvy Seasons
has a tree up and decorated already! Click on the link ( above) to check out her cute whimsical tree and beautiful home! She's like me... she loves the seasons!
Bug and I had on HGTV a few nights before Halloween and saw our first Christmas commercial of the year! Before Halloween? It seems that each year we are forced into Christmas earlier and earlier! Now, I love Christmastime as much as the next girl but things for me must be kept in their proper season! I can't even shop for Christmas before Thanksgiving! The down side is that if I did my shopping say, all year long I would be done by the time the holidays rolled around and I could enjoy them. But see, for me part of 'enjoying the holidays' is the shopping during the season with the stores decorated and Christmas music playing and carrying a red Starbucks cup!
I love Thanksgiving. It's probably one of my favorite holidays. All about food, no gifts to worry about, a great parade and family. I feel like I'm doing Thanksgiving a disservice if I jump to Christmas before enjoying all Thanksgiving has to offer. Like pumpkin anything, still decorating with oranges and browns instead of reds and greens, changing leaves, and the remnants of fall weather before the bitter Christmas is known for.
Now, once Thanksgiving is over, the instant it's over, I'm all about Christmas!!! In fact I can't wait to start! Thanksgiving night we have a tradition of watching A Christmas Story and Elf and then the next day (yes, black Friday) we go Christmas shopping. Oh, by the way, when I say 'we' I mean my mom, my grandma and myself. NOT my dad or Hubby. Hubby would hang himself in the accessories department of Target if he had to go with us. I always drive and I put in my Christmas CDs and off we go!
The day after shopping can find me decorating for Christmas and begging Hubby to put up the tree and Christmas lights on the outside. He sets up the tree and the girls get to work hanging ornaments (as high as they can reach) while I de-fall the house and then begin the rest of the decorating. I have had my fall decorations up since the middle of September. I feel like my Christmas decorations get jipped since they're only up for 1.2 months! But I will be waiting, enjoying Thanksgiving and looking forward to the day after!